My Love Life: Website Reply to a Fan

Wow.  Thanks for sharing that with me!

You sound so much like me, it’s a wonder our paths haven’t crossed before. 

Let me tell you a story that may be a little too long and/or have no bearing on your life whatsoever:

In ’06, after a lot of soul-searching, I left my husband because I realized that our marriage was a lost cause… he’s an amazing guy, but we had both put up a false front for nearly 5 yrs. of marriage and never really addressed our issues honestly.  I call that time in my life “young and dumb”. lol

Shortly after he moved out of our home, I randomly met up with a guy I had a huge crush on a decade earlier.  Older, sexy, smart, charismatic, great job…all that.  I just wanted to have fun at the time, and that’s what he provided.  We became the best of friends and passionate lovers.

New Years of ’07, he told me that he would never hurt me.  May of ’07, we told each other we were in love.  I still didn’t ‘commit’ to him, but wasn’t seeing anyone else.  He was my big love, ya know? He even helped me start my women’s magazine, The Ladies Workshop, earlier this year.

From July ’07 until Mar ’08, I was involved in an abusive relationship and didn’t even know it.  It started with really scary fights in July til about Nov.  Then he pushed me when he was drunk twice in the fall (Hello, wake up, Girl!), but I passed it off as alcohol talking.  Then in Dec., he broke something really important of mine…again, when he was drunk.  And for the last 4 months of our relationship he accused me of cheating, lying, or disrespecting him at least once a week which led to a fight.

On the weekend before I started writing my relationship website (April ’08), he and I had our last fight.  That time, there was no pushing.  He dragged me through my house by my hair, choked me, and broke my cell phone over an accusation of cheating.  Of course, I fought back… even though I’m so not a fighter.

You have no idea how much that hurt me – not physically, but emotionally… he was my BEST friend who I would never expect that kind of behavior from.  And that week I had to make the hardest decision of my life… to love me first by walking away from the man I loved most in the world.

See, all the stuff I talk about in my website is really just a love letter to myself.  I used to be, and now am again, Ms. Alpha Female… but for awhile, I wasn’t.  I allowed myself to be disrespected.  I put myself second.

Now, I work out every day.  I eat right.  I work hard.  I enjoy my son.  I take care of myself.  I make it a point to truly LOVE me.  And all of these guys that I’m dating… all of the guys who keep asking me out, taking me to expensive restaurants, buying me flowers, and writing me poetry, are falling in love with me because I radiate love now.  I feel slightly closer to being that healthy woman I know I can be.

My hope is that it doesn’t take a train wreck like I went through for you to get to the end of your long struggle. 

I wish you the best, Debra. 

Peace,

~Me

Important Aspects of Game for Men

One of the guys I’m talking to took me to a strip club Saturday. He knew one of the strippers – so she came over and started chatting with us. I was instantly surprised at how SMART she was. She talked about a trip she just went on and told us about trying to raise some money to go to Jerusalem next… she had never been and wanted to go see some Holocaust museums and a few landmarks there.

Anyway, he told her he was going to help her out and paid for her to give me a lap dance. She took her money and happily obliged.

After she walked away he told me a little more about her. According to him, she is all about making money… and I did notice that she had two huge wads of it on both of her garter belts.

As I watched her walk around the club, I noticed something that I found quite intriguing… she went around to almost every guy asking “Wanna dance?” I watched her get turned down OVER and OVER again until she got one.

I was amazed by the fact that she DIDN’T TAKE REJECTION PERSONALLY. I mean, I’ve worked in sales for years, and I always have a problem with this… but this chick was selling HER BODY – and continuously got rejected. But she kept on going… kept her eyes on the prize and made her money.

Now of course, I’m not condoning what she does. I was just inspired by HOW she does it – that “hunter” mentality that people talk about definitely came into play. It was cool to watch.

How this relates to inner game:

1) Know you’re a prize and take nothing personally. Just keep goin’…on to the next one.

2) Not everyone is going to like you. Find the ones who do.

3) Know that the more successful you are, the more ‘failures’ you’ve had/will experience. Don’t be afraid of failure… embrace it.

I don’t know if these are the ‘most important’ aspects of inner game, but they are definitely helpful.

Rocky Relationship Reflection

* What you will miss about the relationship and about the person you are involved with?

I will miss talking to him for hours… I will miss laughing with him.  I will miss his beautiful face and body and how I felt when I was in his arms in bed.  I will miss the way he kissed me and the way he knew how to touch me.

* What you will not miss?

I will not miss his ranting when he was drunk.  I will not miss the way he had no problem breaking my shit.  I will not miss having to defend myself at his every accusation.  I will not miss hiding harmless shit from him or turning my phone upside down when I was at his house so he wouldn’t get mad over NOTHING.

* Acknowledge what your role was in causing the problems in the relationship, or in assisting the relationship to fail.

My main fault was being too giving of my time, attention, and money.   He didn’t respect any of it because it was freely given and then when I didn’t want to give he got angry.  I fucked up by being committed to him even though I knew that he was just a transition guy.  I should have walked away the first time he pushed me.

* Lessons this experience has taught you:

That I need to love ME more.  That abusive situations are gradual and cyclical.

* Concerning this relationship, what are you sad about?

I’m sad that we didn’t have more time… I’m sad that we stopped being best friends.

* What would you do differently if you had to do it over again?

I would have never lied about Aric having my address.  Seems silly because Aric is JUST a good friend and nothing more, but when your boyfriend is going through your phone, you probably shouldn’t lie about anything.

* What relationship skills do you need to develop or perfect in the future?

Not losing myself in the relationship.

* Explore each of the following emotions carefully: anger, passion, loneliness, happiness, grief, pain, joy, guilt, shame, fear, terror, love, hate, resistance, depression, blame.

Anger: I’ve still got a lot of that.

Passion: We were explosive together and I’ll miss that.

Loneliness: I don’t really feel lonely.

Happiness: I am just as happy if not more now.

Grief: I lost my best friend and lover… I wonder how long the grief will last

Pain: The pain of having to walk away from him hurt more than the physical pain.

Joy: I got to do Shayna.  She was so hot while we were making out.  That makes me smile.

Guilt: I don’t feel guilty.

Shame: I feel stupid for letting him hurt me for a year before finally having enough.

Fear: I am afraid that I will carry this pain into new relationships.

Terror: None I can think of.

Love: I loved him more than I’ve ever loved anyone… I guess that wasn’t enough.

Hate: I feel LOATHING and DISGUST for him.  I can’t stand him for doing what he did to me.

Resistance: I am resisting letting go because FUCK THAT!  He hurt me BADLY.

Depression: I had bouts.

Blame: I blame him for pushing me, choking me, pulling out my hair, breaking my cell phone, breaking my car doors, breaking shit in my house, getting laid off and expecting me to pay for it.  I blame his mom and that bitch from high school.  And I BLAME HIM.  Asshole.

* What did you gain from the relationship? How are you richer, deeper or wiser because of the experience? What did the relationship give you that you are grateful for?

It was the most fun I’ve ever had in my life… it was self-disclosure to the extreme… complete intimacy and deep love… at least on my part.

* What did your “ex” give you that you are grateful for?

Someone to love while I transitioned from married to single.  He gave me the perfect rebound relationship.  He gave me orgasms.

* Concerning the relationship with your former mate, what are you willing to forgive?

FUCK FORGIVENESS.

* What are you wanting to be forgiven for?  What are you willing to forgive yourself for?

No more answers, this test is done.

A Free Bird, Yet a Romantic One

I’ve done the “Must-Have” List…My “What Do I Want In a Partner” List… I’ve done the “21 Things I Want in a Lover” List… I’ve tried to sculpt my perfect partner and… it seems like I’m getting closer…Coooool!

Some interesting things in the horizon, peeps.
Okay, so to help it out a lil bit… here’s what I want… I’m gonna break it down again… Not 18 things, not 21 things, but 8 fucking things. EIGHT!

Gosh, there has to be a man in the world who fits these eight. Come out, come out, wherever you are…Cool Girl wants to play…

Here goes:
I want…

1.) * A MAN who is committed to personal growth:

Meaning – a man who is not afraid to look at himself, his motivations, his behaviors, and his actions. A man who constantly is aware of himself. A man who doesn’t swallow bullsh!t whole, and one who challenges his basic assumptions about anything from why he reads certain books(!) to his religion.

- The first part of this being a “man”… kinda hard to find these days, but oh-so-important as a complement to me, because I’m all WOMAN!

- A commitment to personal growth is also important because I want the man that I am with to keep me moving forward. I upgrade him; he upgrades me. YAY… Good Times!

He must look deep into himself… find the root of his problems… and systematically destroy any retarded behaviors or character traits. He must be vigilant in becoming the greatest “I” he can be. He’s gotta love who he is, at every level of growth during his self-realization. He must value himself.

Which brings me to-

2) A MAN who puts himself first.

I’ve done the “Must-Have” List…My “What Do I Want In a Partner” List… I’ve done the “21 Things I Want in a Lover” List… I’ve tried to sculpt my perfect partner and… it seems like I’m getting closer…Coooool! Some interesting things in the horizon, peeps.
Okay, so to help it out a lil bit… here’s what I want… I’m gonna break it down again… Not 18 things, not 21 things, but 6 fucking things. Six!

Gosh, there has to be a man in the world who fits these six. Come out, come out, wherever you are…Cool Girl wants to play…

Here goes:
I want…

3.) * A MAN who is committed to personal growth:

Meaning – a man who is not afraid to look at himself, his motivations, his behaviors, and his actions. A man who constantly is aware of himself. A man who doesn’t swallow bullsh!t whole, and one who challenges his basic assumptions about anything from why he reads certain books(!) to his religion.

- The first part of this being a “man”… kinda hard to find these days, but oh-so-important as a complement to me, because I’m all WOMAN!

- A commitment to personal growth is also important because I want the man that I am with to keep me moving forward. I upgrade him; he upgrades me. YAY… Good Times!

He must look deep into himself… find the root of his problems… and systematically destroy any retarded behaviors or character traits. He must be vigilant in becoming the greatest “I” he can be. He’s gotta love who he is, at every level of growth during his self-realization. He must value himself.

Which brings me to-

4.) A MAN who puts himself first.

And not because he is a phukkin a$$hole… he does it to get his needs met, and definitely not at the expense of others.

He neither sacrifices himself to others, nor lets others sacrifice themselves to him. He respects himself. He will not let people “bitch” him, yet he doesn’t try to overpower people. He knows that he is valuable, but not entitled. He is not a controlling abuser either.

This man has to be a MAN independent of me! Yeah, I’m the coolest girl you’ll ever love, but don’t get dependent on that or else I’ll feel suffocated. lol

5.) * A MAN who does everything that a woman does, but with an unmistakeable masculinity:

He cooks very well. He cleans the WHOLE HOUSE. He is/could be a GREAT Dad and could handle the kid(s) for years at a time without a woman… though he knows and respects that I ain’t havin’ any more babies…. So he is free to pro-create with whomever else he wishes. He works hard. He is in control of himself. He is responsible. He PAYS HIS BILLS. He has CLOSE friendships. HE GIVES of himself.

He knows about the sweet delicacy of a CLIT and has no problem learning how to make it feel good… especially mine… but preferably others as well. He studies that shit – just like I study his penis…I worship his organ… he returns the favor. MAKE ME CUM DAMMIT!

6.) * A MAN WHO IS SILLY!

One who enjoys life as a big, fun game. One who laughs at the ridiculousness of the human condition and doesn’t take himself or others too seriously.

7) * A MAN WHO IS NOT INTIMIDATED BY ME BEING “ME”:

I am ME. I love my long legs and I will show them off. I have AWESOME cleavage and I will show it off. I like to flirt. It’s fun. It doesn’t mean that I love him less. It’s just me being “me”.

I don’t want a committed relationship UNLESS he has everything I am looking for… I’m perfectly happy being by myself… but I do enjoy male company. Since that’s the case, no matter how loving the feelings are, I am not settling for less than I deserve.

I want a man who will hardly ever show his JEALOUSY. Why? Because he understands that it is borne of insecurity… and he is NOT insecure about US. He is happy with himself and comfortable in his own skin… he is my perfect match. And since he is committed to personal development, his insecurity is minimal, and he can communicate it without manipulation or rage. He’ll simply step his game up if he thinks I can be taken.

And lastly) * A MAN WHO IS PHYSICALLY APPEALING (to a girl who sees what’s inside):

Okay, I’m going to go against everything that most girls talk about for a second… while I love sexy obliques and strong ass thighs… while a man who has sexy lips and deep, intense eyes can make me wetter than an umbrella in April… I DON’T CARE ABOUT HIS LOOKS! I have been helplessly, hopelessly, retardly in LOVE with a guy who looks like a turtle, one who had a tiger tongue, one whose nose had its own zip code, a few who were bald, fat, and/or vertically challenged. It doesn’t matter what he looks like – as long as he’s comfortable with him, I’M comfortable with him.

I guarantee that when I fall in love with you, you will feel like the sexiest man alive.

There is something called “inner beauty” which radiates from the people who have it. When a person is sure of him/herself, people are automatically attracted to that person. I want a man who has some of that… and not just charm masquerading as inner beauty. I want a man who knows that he is the shit and doesn’t have to fake the funk… that’s physical attractiveness to me… inner beauty turned outward.

8 damn things. Where are you, Sweetie? Make me take a step into fuckin’ love.  It will be a feeling you’ll never forget.

Peace,
Your ‘Bonnie’
(hahaha)

Thoughts of a Bi-Sexual Girlfriend

“I should be able to see other women,” she says, “but you cant.”

If she was truly bi and ended up having a long-term, committed relationship with you, then you wouldn’t have any reason not to trust that she was just using women to gratify her deepest desires. I can see how you would equate that with cheating. Though in a bi-girl’s head, it’s not.

I know, it sounds like totally messed up logic – and it is in a way… but don’t we all justify the irrational by rationalizing it?

A bi-girl is thinking “I love this man, but oh-my-gosh, I get so wet thinking about kissing, touching, licking, sucking another girl that I can’t stand myself. I must explore this! It’s not like I would ever leave him to have an ‘actual relationship’ with a girl… and if he had these awesome parts that I am so attracted to, there would be no issue… but alas, he doesn’t, so what am I supposed to do when I see a tit I wanna lick? Or when I smell a girl’s perfume and it turns me on? I wouldn’t leave my man for it, but I want to experience it! What to do???“

A bi girl should not be in a committed relationship with a man who doesn’t like her being with other women… but a lot of bi-sexual women get into these relationships (sometimes because the guy is not straight up about the fact that he doesn’t like it) and then there is chaos. But for the sake of argument, let’s just say that this bi-girl ex turned bi-sexual during the course of her committed relationship and not before (highly unlikely, but whatever).

Usually, a bi-girl won’t get turned on by every woman around her, but if there is someone that she has her eye on, holding back can be unbearable! It’s like being two steps away from insert-your-irresistible-food-of-choice-here and not being able to eat it. And she doesn’t think that it’s the same thing as being with another man… at all.

Try to put yourself in her shoes…

Can you imagine how having feelings for your same sex would change your world?

Can you imagine having to choose to be with one body type sexually when both appeal to you?

Can you imagine knowing in your heart that you would never be partnered with someone of your same sex, but wanting to explore that side of your sexuality?

And then add to the fact that only a small number of women actually turn you on… whether you are in a relationship or not, when one of those women comes along, you want it…BADLY.

Truly, girls like these should avoid committed relationships with men who don’t enjoy or want to watch their escapades.

Also, I think a lot of guys are threatened by lesbians… but a lesbian, even with a strap-on, is not a real threat to your relationship if you are with a bi-girl. After awhile of messing around with her, the novelty wears off, the beast is satisfied, and she’ll get back to reality…with her man. (Sidenote: Why wouldn’t you want to watch that? It’s hot as hell. To each his own I guess. )

But to pass that up… to pass up a chance to be with a girl you like… when you’re bi and that’s what dominates your fantasies (and the porn you watch during your ‘bate sessions )… when it’s right in front of you…taunting you… really… it’s incredibly hard to resist…especially when you don’t think of it as the same thing as being with another guy. It’s not even close to “cheating” in her eyes.

Unfortunately, by telling a bi girl that she can’t be with another girl, resentment will probably build. Bi-girls love their men and will stand by their man, but they also want to experience their sexuality… all parts of it. Committed relationships where the man doesn’t understand that, are doomed, in my opinion.

But then again… she could have speak up in the beginning and make it clear that this was the type of relationship she wants… communication goes a long way.

Why I Can’t Get Shit Done in Two Words

Wake up.  It’s 9am.  Hangover head.  Refrigerator calls.  Drink OJ.  Call Mom.  Check email.  Check MySpace.  Must Clean.  Feeling sleepy.  Lay down.  Phone rings.  Get up.  Answer it.  Hang up.  Lay down.  Fall asleep.  Wake up.  Kid’s home.  He talks.  I listen.  We play.  Must clean.  Go outside.  Fill pool.  Sit down.  Watch kid.  Go inside.  Sleepy kid.  Must clean.  Check mail.  Get lunch.  Fill cup.  Text message.  Check MySpace.  Joe calls.  Hang up. Change diaper.  Rock kid.  Kid sleeps.  Make drink.  Watch Entourage.  Must clean.  Computer calls.  Check email.  Check MySpace.  Net surf.  Pussy play.  Must clean.  Getting hungry.  Eat chips.  Drink water.  Koya calls.  Must clean.  So tired.  Check kid.  Lay down.  Fall asleep.  Wake up.  Kid’s calling.  Must clean.  Feed kid.  Feed myself.  Blue’s Clues.  “Mommy, Wiggles”.  Read book.  Watch TV.  Separate laundry.  Mom calls.  Kid’s sleepy.  Text message.  Write back.  Must clean.   Sing songs.  Tell story.   Get water.  Kid sleeps.  Must clean.  Make drink.  Go upstairs.  Net surf.  Check favorites.  Play games.  Google mini-golf.  Find game.  Play game.  Text message.  Must clean.  Respond back.  Vibrator calls.  Have fun.  Go pee.  Come back.   Must clean.  It’s midnight.  Why procrastinate?  Write blog.  Won’t clean.  Fuck me.