My Love Life: Website Reply to a Fan

Wow.  Thanks for sharing that with me!

You sound so much like me, it’s a wonder our paths haven’t crossed before. 

Let me tell you a story that may be a little too long and/or have no bearing on your life whatsoever:

In ’06, after a lot of soul-searching, I left my husband because I realized that our marriage was a lost cause… he’s an amazing guy, but we had both put up a false front for nearly 5 yrs. of marriage and never really addressed our issues honestly.  I call that time in my life “young and dumb”. lol

Shortly after he moved out of our home, I randomly met up with a guy I had a huge crush on a decade earlier.  Older, sexy, smart, charismatic, great job…all that.  I just wanted to have fun at the time, and that’s what he provided.  We became the best of friends and passionate lovers.

New Years of ’07, he told me that he would never hurt me.  May of ’07, we told each other we were in love.  I still didn’t ‘commit’ to him, but wasn’t seeing anyone else.  He was my big love, ya know? He even helped me start my women’s magazine, The Ladies Workshop, earlier this year.

From July ’07 until Mar ’08, I was involved in an abusive relationship and didn’t even know it.  It started with really scary fights in July til about Nov.  Then he pushed me when he was drunk twice in the fall (Hello, wake up, Girl!), but I passed it off as alcohol talking.  Then in Dec., he broke something really important of mine…again, when he was drunk.  And for the last 4 months of our relationship he accused me of cheating, lying, or disrespecting him at least once a week which led to a fight.

On the weekend before I started writing my relationship website (April ’08), he and I had our last fight.  That time, there was no pushing.  He dragged me through my house by my hair, choked me, and broke my cell phone over an accusation of cheating.  Of course, I fought back… even though I’m so not a fighter.

You have no idea how much that hurt me – not physically, but emotionally… he was my BEST friend who I would never expect that kind of behavior from.  And that week I had to make the hardest decision of my life… to love me first by walking away from the man I loved most in the world.

See, all the stuff I talk about in my website is really just a love letter to myself.  I used to be, and now am again, Ms. Alpha Female… but for awhile, I wasn’t.  I allowed myself to be disrespected.  I put myself second.

Now, I work out every day.  I eat right.  I work hard.  I enjoy my son.  I take care of myself.  I make it a point to truly LOVE me.  And all of these guys that I’m dating… all of the guys who keep asking me out, taking me to expensive restaurants, buying me flowers, and writing me poetry, are falling in love with me because I radiate love now.  I feel slightly closer to being that healthy woman I know I can be.

My hope is that it doesn’t take a train wreck like I went through for you to get to the end of your long struggle. 

I wish you the best, Debra. 

Peace,

~Me

Jesus Christ!

Jesus may have walked the earth. Jesus may have been a teacher. But Jesus did not write the words that you are reading out of that book.

Those words were written well after his death… they were written by people who *may* have (definitely) had something to gain from writing them… then they were transcribed by others who *may* have had something to gain from transcribing them.

Jesus was NOT all sunshine and rainbows. Even in the bible… sometimes, his actions contradicted his words… he definitely JUDGED others…he CURSED others… and was kind of a loose cannon.

The biggest hoax that I think comes from the bible and its interpreters is that Jesus was somehow better than you. …That Jesus was God and you are not.

It’s cool to take the teachings of Jesus seriously. It’s even cool to live your life that way if that’s how you feel it would be best for you. But truth is not just in a book. Truth comes from experience. It comes from flashes of intuition (from god, if that’s what you think). When you try to put truth into words, it gets diluted.

You can experience limitless joy… but to have any kind of “beliefs” is to live in chains. Believing that you have it all figured out is arrogance… even if you dress it up with pseudo-humility. Life is mysterious. Enjoy the experience without any preconceived notions of “truth”.

Rocky Relationship Reflection

* What you will miss about the relationship and about the person you are involved with?

I will miss talking to him for hours… I will miss laughing with him.  I will miss his beautiful face and body and how I felt when I was in his arms in bed.  I will miss the way he kissed me and the way he knew how to touch me.

* What you will not miss?

I will not miss his ranting when he was drunk.  I will not miss the way he had no problem breaking my shit.  I will not miss having to defend myself at his every accusation.  I will not miss hiding harmless shit from him or turning my phone upside down when I was at his house so he wouldn’t get mad over NOTHING.

* Acknowledge what your role was in causing the problems in the relationship, or in assisting the relationship to fail.

My main fault was being too giving of my time, attention, and money.   He didn’t respect any of it because it was freely given and then when I didn’t want to give he got angry.  I fucked up by being committed to him even though I knew that he was just a transition guy.  I should have walked away the first time he pushed me.

* Lessons this experience has taught you:

That I need to love ME more.  That abusive situations are gradual and cyclical.

* Concerning this relationship, what are you sad about?

I’m sad that we didn’t have more time… I’m sad that we stopped being best friends.

* What would you do differently if you had to do it over again?

I would have never lied about Aric having my address.  Seems silly because Aric is JUST a good friend and nothing more, but when your boyfriend is going through your phone, you probably shouldn’t lie about anything.

* What relationship skills do you need to develop or perfect in the future?

Not losing myself in the relationship.

* Explore each of the following emotions carefully: anger, passion, loneliness, happiness, grief, pain, joy, guilt, shame, fear, terror, love, hate, resistance, depression, blame.

Anger: I’ve still got a lot of that.

Passion: We were explosive together and I’ll miss that.

Loneliness: I don’t really feel lonely.

Happiness: I am just as happy if not more now.

Grief: I lost my best friend and lover… I wonder how long the grief will last

Pain: The pain of having to walk away from him hurt more than the physical pain.

Joy: I got to do Shayna.  She was so hot while we were making out.  That makes me smile.

Guilt: I don’t feel guilty.

Shame: I feel stupid for letting him hurt me for a year before finally having enough.

Fear: I am afraid that I will carry this pain into new relationships.

Terror: None I can think of.

Love: I loved him more than I’ve ever loved anyone… I guess that wasn’t enough.

Hate: I feel LOATHING and DISGUST for him.  I can’t stand him for doing what he did to me.

Resistance: I am resisting letting go because FUCK THAT!  He hurt me BADLY.

Depression: I had bouts.

Blame: I blame him for pushing me, choking me, pulling out my hair, breaking my cell phone, breaking my car doors, breaking shit in my house, getting laid off and expecting me to pay for it.  I blame his mom and that bitch from high school.  And I BLAME HIM.  Asshole.

* What did you gain from the relationship? How are you richer, deeper or wiser because of the experience? What did the relationship give you that you are grateful for?

It was the most fun I’ve ever had in my life… it was self-disclosure to the extreme… complete intimacy and deep love… at least on my part.

* What did your “ex” give you that you are grateful for?

Someone to love while I transitioned from married to single.  He gave me the perfect rebound relationship.  He gave me orgasms.

* Concerning the relationship with your former mate, what are you willing to forgive?

FUCK FORGIVENESS.

* What are you wanting to be forgiven for?  What are you willing to forgive yourself for?

No more answers, this test is done.

What Goes On

…in my crazy mind

(Yet another feeble attempt at poetry)

The ABC’s of Relationships:

Haikus featuring Alliteration and Assonance

An Arbitrary

Arrangement of Able

And Akin Aortas

***

Boyfriend Becomes Best

But Bitterness and Busyness

Betray Blissful Beaus.

***

A Connection Can

Conquer with Compromise,

Candor and Conscience.

***

Divine Delight Does

Depart. Dedication and

Deeds Deepen Desire.

***

Everything Ends… Even

Enchantment. Engage Eager

Eyes

More words that begin with “e” BLAH BLAH BLAH shutthefuckup!  Are you really gonna go through the entire freakin alphabet?  Girl, be easy on yourself.  See, what started out as something good, quickly lost its appeal when the real work had to happen.  And such is my life.  Overly enthusiastic and full of great ideas, but preferring to pass off the job when it comes to the tedious work.  I should be managing somebody.  This bra is fucking bothering me and I’m about to take it off and let the boys out.  Yeah, they’re boys.  Ahhh, that’s better.  A sigh of relief and I continue.  This is why I don’t wear nail polish… I did them yesterday and already chipping.  Why?  Because it’s retarded.  Just like everything else… great idea at first.. Oooh, pretty colors… but then more trouble than it’s worth.  DO I even own any polish remover?  Fuck.  The dryer is screaming.  I don’t know what’s wrong with it.  I have a load in the washer and one in the dryer.  There is also a mound of clothes in the guest bedroom… from last week.  All clean… just haven’t put them away yet.  And such is life.  What is that smell?  Oh… asshole neighbors with their freakin’ campfires again.  Why?  Really.  There’s no need.  I need gas.  Why didn’t I stop today?  Dammit.  More to do in the morning.  I’m exhausted.  More sleep please.  I had the best time ever last night.  Open bar.  Food.  Winning money.  So the tao is balancing itself out right now.  Why am I on the computer right now?  Ritual.  Habit.  Same shit different day.  And such is life.  Why are the healthy habits too hard to incorporate into my day?  Could it be because the unhealthy habits take up so much time?  Neck roll.  Neck roll the other way.  That felt good.  What am I even talking about?  I think I just like to type.  The space bar.  Mmmm.  The key that sounds so different from others.  So fat.  So long.   So smooth.  Sounds like a dick… I’m done talking about the space bar.  Michelle and her son.  Staring at me.  Smiling at me.  Smiling is fun in pictures.  Though shouldn’t we strive to capture what the person really looks like?  An open mouth as in conversation.  The look to the right while struggling to find the right word.  A chunk of almond protruding from their incisor.  That would be more real.  But such is life.  Unreality is reality and vice versa.  Not reality TV… just… nevermind, too deep.  I don’t feel like thinking that much.  Fuck this is the whiny-est , most drivel-loaded blog ever.   Why write anyway?   What the hell was that noise?  Why did the attic door open.  I’m going to investigate.  K, back.  Holding a thought in my head all the way.  I’m not a writer.  I’m a thinker.  Writing is not easy.  I admire people who can do it.  I bite into a book and taste the words as they roll over my tongue.  Then I swallow them, savoring every bit.  Some words come right back up like pizza after a night of drinking… fuck the attic door again.  It has to be the wind.  Such a beautiful night.  The weather lately is perfect.  Oh yeah, writing.  It’s not easy.  I can come up with shit to write.  But then there’s the follow through.. I need to work on follow-through.  My mind is everywhere though.  Open, floating, reviewing, debating, deciding, rehearsing, theorizing, interpreting, projecting, examining, inventing, re-inventing, critiquing… (had to look that up for proper spelling).  Misspelled words drive me batty.  Incorrect grammar drives me insane.  Anyway, my mind is always moving.  How can I keep up?