To my Christian friends, I have nothing but love for you. I am friends with you regardless (and sometimes, because) of your beliefs and convictions. You are not who I am talking to today. And to save yourself from unhappy feelings and outrage, I’d suggest you stop reading now. NO really… quit reading now.
I’m talking to the Preacher Man.
Below is a message from your God. Pass on the good word.
AND THE LORD SAID, “I’m starting a new religion. Wanna join? You should. It’s the one true religion. It’s based on love and compassion. I’ll show you the way, the truth and the light. You’ll love it.
You can’t see me, but know that I am powerful. In fact, I am the MOST powerful. Just call me your Father.
I created everything and everything that I have created is perfect. And that includes you, too… oh and my son. He was more perfect than you though.
Come to think of it, you’re not so perfect compared to him. You’re kind of a criminal… a malefactor… a miscreant.
In fact, you owe me. You’re undeserving and I love you anyway! You owe me your life because many years ago I KILLED my innocent son in a very public and grotesque manner.
I did it as a sacrifice because 1) I love you and 2) because I knew that you would be unworthy of my love (even though I could have made you worthy when I created you). I killed him for your evil deeds.
But here’s a little secret… he and I are one. Yes, he is me and I am him. So in essence, I killed myself because I love you so much. I SACRIFICED MY LIFE because of your wicked ways. I spared your life by doing that. I saved you. From what, you ask? From death…er..um..no, you’ll still die… actually I saved you from a life of suffering…er, ummm, well, not really… more like… from temptation… no that wasn’t it… hey look, shiny object over there.
Back to the subject at hand… Wanna join my religion? If you ever need anything, just get on your knees and ask me. I may or may not come through for you. It’s a 50/50 shot.
Even though I am the most powerful, sometimes I just don’t make things happen for you. You will have to suffer sometimes. But if you trust me, I will comfort you when you’re suffering. Or at least you can take comfort in knowing that my will is being done.
I do test you at times…that’s a way of keeping you on your toes (and providing me with entertainment). I put obstacles in your path to see how you overcome them.
And sometimes I let this guy I know really screw your life up. I let him mess with you and hurt you. And he’s scary, too. He has horns and a tail and he lives in a fiery pit. He lives to fuck with you, that prankster.
If you don’t BELIEVE in me, TRUST me, WORSHIP me and SERVE me, I will thrust you down into the fiery pit and allow you to be tormented and tortured and burned for all eternity. That’s how much I love you!
When you join my religion, I will show you truth. I will make you powerful. I will strengthen you. I will make your life more abundant. No, you won’t be any stronger, richer or wiser than anyone else, but you will have me on your side and you’ll be with millions of other people who think I’m great. You’re in good company.
You all can come to my house, but I’ll never be there. Well, at least not in the flesh. That’s where the “spirit” of me comes in. You all will believe I’m there though…some of you will “feel” my presence. I am just that cool!
And I am powerful, remember? I am your rock. With me on your side, you will never be alone.
I will walk with you.
You can talk to me.
I’ll be there for you no matter what.
Closer than a brother.
And when I DO come through for you, you better shout it from the rooftops! And testify to others. Tell them about all the good things that I have done for you! Never mind all the shit I put you through. Speak my name with reverence. Love me with all your heart.
Join my religion. Sure, there are some rules to follow. You need rules because you aren’t as perfect as me. They aren’t that bad. In fact, I had someone write them down so that you can reference them easily. (I’m so clever.)
You can’t look at other people’s stuff like you want it.
You can’t take things from other people.
You can’t say my name in a mean way.
You can’t worship anyone or anything besides me… I get jealous.
You have to be nice to your parents, even if they suck.
You get to rest on Sunday… unless, of course, you have a job that requires you to work on Sunday; in that case, take your ass into work.
You can’t kill. Even though I killed lots of people, including my son (which was more like suicide… but that’s a bit over your head so don’t try to understand it), and I’LL KILL YOU if you don’t follow me and accept me as your SAVIOR… just know that YOU can’t kill.
I’m angry, I know. But I’m working on it… nah, really, I’m not really working on it because I’m perfect remember? *wink*
I have other rules too. Don’t have sex…even though it feels good. I made it feel good, but that was just another test. It’s meant for making babies.
Don’t drink too much. Don’t curse. And basically just love everyone like I love you.
Oh, and give me about one tenth of what you earn.
If you follow these rules (and you will fuck up, know that…) but if you “try” to follow the rules, and ask for my forgiveness when you fuck up, I will save you. When you die, I will take you to my home in the sky and give you more life! You will party on my golden streets and get to sing songs and sit at my feet and worship me for all eternity.
THAT’S YOUR REWARD!
Being saved from the pit of fire and worshipping me forever. It’s infallible because I said it.
Wanna join my religion?
Hey, where are you going???
Damn, I better get some powerful and charismatic people to endorse me and a book to back me up or else this shit won’t fly.”
May the Lord add a blessing to the reading of his word.
