Why Relationships Fail

Can you define “failed relationship”? Is it every relationship that ends in a break-up?

I think that any relationship is a success if you learn something from it or were entertained by it.

The main reason that people have heartache in relationships is:

The Ever-Lasting Expectation.

Why is it that people have this dream about being with ONE person, happily, for all eternity?  …This undying LOVE that you see in the movies or read about in books?

Those people who do make it work “forever” are NOT the norm -

WHY should they be the IDEAL?

I think it’s because we, as a culture, loooooove romanticism!

The REALITY is that exclusivity is an evolutionary throwback. As a species, we developed emotional tendencies toward monogamy because it was useful in propagation. Now, it has lost a lot of its utility, and in most cases, goes against our natural tendencies.

Now don’t get me wrong… I think it’s beautiful when two loving, happy people decide to build a life together… and through tons of communication, dedication and hard work, make it happen. That’s really inspiring.

But the reality is that MOST people in long-term Fo-life relationships HATE IT and don’t have the balls to leave a situation which doesn’t serve their growth. I would say about 85% of people in relationships of over 5 years really don’t like their partner or don’t like themselves. They stay because they are fearful, lazy, or feel some kind of guilt (usually based on Judeo-Christian moral programming). Just my observation, based purely on my experience.

Look around… most people stay in relationships for around 2-3 years. (They feel the “feelings” of love for about 2-3 years)… about the time it takes to breed and nurture a little one. Coincidence or evolutionary throwback? If we didn’t worship romance, people would understand that romantic love doesn’t last (so don’t forget to have other reasons for relating).

Relationships are the most ‘insecure’ when they are built on love alone (emotions alone). Love, by its nature, is insecure. It sneaks up on you, and then just as mysteriously, it vanishes. That’s the beauty of it… its ethereal quality. If you want a relationship to last you better have a stronger foundation than the “feelings” of romantic love. Friendship, respect, and admiration come to mind and build a much stronger foundation… yes, love is important… the binding of two hearts…the powerful connection… However, it is NOT “all you need”, albeit necessary.

I like the idea of enjoying time with someone… relating with them… loving them… committing in the moment. In fact, I think that if people treated romantic love like they do friendly love, there would be much more staying power.

I mean think about it: How many times have you asked one of your friends to “commit” to you? How many times have you asked a friend to move on to the next level of commitment with you? Probably never. But your friends remain, your love for them remains, and you’re both free to leave the situation if it no longer suits you…and sometimes it doesn’t.

An issue that I see people having (and I try to stay out of because I know my opinions are not the norm) is that they find love, experience and enjoy love, then want to go into hoard-mode to keep that love coming. Women ask for diamond rings (as if that’s really going to make your love stay). Men (usually pressured) give up a key to their place or propose marriage. And since most people have no other foundation than “feelings”, they are merely trying to make the insecure secure… which is why they “fail”.

I can’t imagine asking someone to commit to be with me at a future time. I have in the past… now I think that people should love me as long as I am lovable and offer some benefit to them. I refuse to stay with someone who I don’t love and/or offers no benefit to me. My life and my personal growth are more important to me than any relationship. If it no longer serves me, it needs to be extracted.

I’d rather build relationships on respect for each other, mutual admiration, spiritual sex, and friendship… and if I feel intense, intoxicating romantic love, all the better. I don’t use those feelings to decide whether I want to commit though… because I value freedom more than I value love.

Callin’ Out Christians

Facebook Message I Never Sent

I miss you today. I really do.

I heard a quote this morning and I’ve been thinking about you ever since.  “Love never dies.”

What a bullshit fucking truth.

Normally if I felt this way I would stuff it and think about something else.  Not today.

I’m wondering how you’re doing…

I’m thinking about all of the cute little things you used to do…

I’m feeling grateful for the time we shared…

I’m remembering the friendship and love we had.

I don’t know why I’m even writing to you.  This is the second time I’ve started to write something.  The first was a text.  But a text… really?  Could I really sum up what I want to say to you in a text?  Nope.  So here I am.  On freaking Facebook.  What am I doing?

Then I see your status – “R.I.P. {some random dude who I won’t name}. I wish I could have caught up with him before he passed. So sad. Godspeed.”

I wonder what it would be like if me or you passed.  Have we told each other all that we wanted to say?

Lack of Male Appreciation = Lack of Game

A man has no need to “trick” a woman into sleeping with him… we want it… especially with someone who has value. A man has to find his value from within because the outer world surely isn’t in a rush to give it to him.

I would also add that a lot of women want to be “led” to the bedroom. Since most of us grew up with parents, teachers, and societal pressure to be a “lady”, “keep your legs closed”, and worry about your “reputation”, it’s tough for some to drop that programming and admit that we desire sex.

When a man can successfully lead us through the physical escalation of the relationship, and we feel attracted and comfortable (because he is attractive and comfortable with himself), there’s no stopping that sexual side from coming out.

Random thought:

Soccer players are my favorite body type to look at (YUM!)… I’d rather be underneath a football player though.

My Love Life: Website Reply to a Fan

Wow.  Thanks for sharing that with me!

You sound so much like me, it’s a wonder our paths haven’t crossed before. 

Let me tell you a story that may be a little too long and/or have no bearing on your life whatsoever:

In ’06, after a lot of soul-searching, I left my husband because I realized that our marriage was a lost cause… he’s an amazing guy, but we had both put up a false front for nearly 5 yrs. of marriage and never really addressed our issues honestly.  I call that time in my life “young and dumb”. lol

Shortly after he moved out of our home, I randomly met up with a guy I had a huge crush on a decade earlier.  Older, sexy, smart, charismatic, great job…all that.  I just wanted to have fun at the time, and that’s what he provided.  We became the best of friends and passionate lovers.

New Years of ’07, he told me that he would never hurt me.  May of ’07, we told each other we were in love.  I still didn’t ‘commit’ to him, but wasn’t seeing anyone else.  He was my big love, ya know? He even helped me start my women’s magazine, The Ladies Workshop, earlier this year.

From July ’07 until Mar ’08, I was involved in an abusive relationship and didn’t even know it.  It started with really scary fights in July til about Nov.  Then he pushed me when he was drunk twice in the fall (Hello, wake up, Girl!), but I passed it off as alcohol talking.  Then in Dec., he broke something really important of mine…again, when he was drunk.  And for the last 4 months of our relationship he accused me of cheating, lying, or disrespecting him at least once a week which led to a fight.

On the weekend before I started writing my relationship website (April ’08), he and I had our last fight.  That time, there was no pushing.  He dragged me through my house by my hair, choked me, and broke my cell phone over an accusation of cheating.  Of course, I fought back… even though I’m so not a fighter.

You have no idea how much that hurt me – not physically, but emotionally… he was my BEST friend who I would never expect that kind of behavior from.  And that week I had to make the hardest decision of my life… to love me first by walking away from the man I loved most in the world.

See, all the stuff I talk about in my website is really just a love letter to myself.  I used to be, and now am again, Ms. Alpha Female… but for awhile, I wasn’t.  I allowed myself to be disrespected.  I put myself second.

Now, I work out every day.  I eat right.  I work hard.  I enjoy my son.  I take care of myself.  I make it a point to truly LOVE me.  And all of these guys that I’m dating… all of the guys who keep asking me out, taking me to expensive restaurants, buying me flowers, and writing me poetry, are falling in love with me because I radiate love now.  I feel slightly closer to being that healthy woman I know I can be.

My hope is that it doesn’t take a train wreck like I went through for you to get to the end of your long struggle. 

I wish you the best, Debra. 

Peace,

~Me

Parenting 101

This is the way that I parent… it works for us.  If it works for you, great.  If not, I hope you find a way that feels good to you and produces positive outcomes for your child.

1.  Every choice comes with a consequence and a restriction of other available choices.

I’ll be there to explain your choices to you before and after you make them.  I understand that making mistakes is the only way you learn.  By helping you learn from your choices, I am teaching you to be responsible.

2.  If you need help, ask for it.

I’ll encourage you to try to figure it out or do it on your own.  If that doesn’t help, I’ll show you ‘how to help yourself’ until you get it.   We’ll work together until you realize that you have more power than you originally thought.  This will teach you how to cooperate, ask for what you need, and be confident in your own abilities.

3.  If something doesn’t make sense to you, seek to understand by asking questions… it is okay to question an adult.

I will gladly explain any rule that I make up.  Your opinion matters to me.  I will be honest with you and speak to you at your level of development.  This will help you make sense of your world and understand your place in it.  You are an authority, even when you’re wittle.

4.  However you feel is OK.  Acting on those feelings is not always OK.

I will show concern for your feelings and teach you how to express them constructively.  By me not getting overly frustrated or upset at you by your attempts to express your negative feelings, I will demonstrate what it means to have self-control.  The only person that you can control is you.  You have to learn to control yourself so that you stay safe and healthy.

5.  You are loved.  You are valuable.  You are important to a lot of people.

I will make sure that you know that.  When you love and value someone, treat them like you do and tell them that they are important to you.  This will teach you gratitude, respect for others (and yourself), and help you have healthy relationships.

6.  Reading is important and so is artistic expression.

Whenever you say that you’re bored, I will direct you to the wonderful world of books, paints, or lined paper.  You can never be bored if you use your imagination.  Life is play! Just have fun playing the game and you will learn a lot in the process.

7.Your emotions, your thoughts, your dreams, and your physical presence are all safe with me.

I will protect you when I am able to, as well as let you fall sometimes, knowing that you won’t get completely damaged.

————————————-

Now hopefully my kid won’t turn into the next uni-bomber or something… but I think that the way I do things will set him up to be a responsible and happy adult, and be bathed in the comfort of love and acceptance on his way.

Parenting is hard as hell, but I think I’m up for the job because I treat others the way I want to be treated.  The tips above work for pretty much all of my relationships.  As a parent, all I can do is my best… that’s all you can do, too.

Why People Stay Married

There are so many reasons why people stay married and I’m sick of people saying that it’s because of lifelong LOVE.

While it may be love, it’s probably something else… like one or both are too ugly/fat/unattractive to get anyone else.

The reasons are vast.

It could be security.

It could be for the children.

It could be guilt.

It could be fear.

It could be loyalty.

Anything goes with marriage… just don’t call it LOVE.

You can choose others to be the recipient of your love forever, as long as you don’t expect their love in return. Those who believe the fairytale expect others to be the “source”.

My point is that love doesn’t mean “exclusivity for life”…and that demanding or expecting that kind of exclusivity (from any and every partner) leads to disillusionment.

It is rare to see people stay together for more than 3 years, and really, there’s nothing wrong with that. The relationship didn’t fail. There may have been a lot of love there. Yet people believe that love wasn’t real because it didn’t last forever. Hogwash!

When I come to adore a man such that I don’t desire others, exclusivity becomes voluntary in that fidelity is not compulsory, but rather granted, and is not dependent on reciprocation. When I choose to no longer be exclusive, I have a right to do that. My love didn’t fail or die because I chose not to share it with only that one person.

I am no longer exclusive with my ex (husband), but I still love him. He would tell you that my love died… it didn’t… my exclusivity did.

And about the laziness thing: Some people will put up with a lot of bullshit from their mate because they are dependent on that person. They will lie to themselves rather than take action to correct the situation (or leave it).

It takes a big pair of balls to walk away from a relationship that no longer serves your highest good. When you throw kids into the mix, and other societal crap, you get a person who is too LAZY or fearful to take corrective action in their life.

Should we revere them simply because they stay together for life?

Is a relationship a success ONLY when two people make a choice to stay together (regardless if the relationship harms the individual)? I think not.

Kids: Good For One Thing

How did you reach a point where you could give love that freely, reciprocated or not?

I had a child.

I know it sounds cheesy as hell, but before my son (spent about 3.5 years on this planet), I never knew what real love was about.

The first three years were a duty… I had to take care of him to ensure his survival.

But when he started developing a personality and became less dependent and needy, I finally “got it”. Not just “love” as a connection between “lovers”, but a greater sense of the word.   I like him as a person.  He’s kind and forgiving.  Friendly and funny.  I admire many qualities within him.

If my son doesn’t love me back, that’s fine…. I still feel lucky to be a part of his world.

Having a child helped me learn about myself and now it’s easy to share love with others without expecting anything in return. And it also helped me get over a lot of stuff that happened to me in my childhood (forgiving others and myself) which makes it much easier for me to love people. ALL RELATIONSHIPS ARE MIRRORS.

BTW… I’m NOT suggesting that anyone have a child. I’m just saying that’s one thing that helped me experience love.  Most of parenting is torture… heed my words, young women.  Your moms and grandmas lie to you so that you’ll go through the pain they did!  Just say NO.  :)

Important Aspects of Game for Men

One of the guys I’m talking to took me to a strip club Saturday. He knew one of the strippers – so she came over and started chatting with us. I was instantly surprised at how SMART she was. She talked about a trip she just went on and told us about trying to raise some money to go to Jerusalem next… she had never been and wanted to go see some Holocaust museums and a few landmarks there.

Anyway, he told her he was going to help her out and paid for her to give me a lap dance. She took her money and happily obliged.

After she walked away he told me a little more about her. According to him, she is all about making money… and I did notice that she had two huge wads of it on both of her garter belts.

As I watched her walk around the club, I noticed something that I found quite intriguing… she went around to almost every guy asking “Wanna dance?” I watched her get turned down OVER and OVER again until she got one.

I was amazed by the fact that she DIDN’T TAKE REJECTION PERSONALLY. I mean, I’ve worked in sales for years, and I always have a problem with this… but this chick was selling HER BODY – and continuously got rejected. But she kept on going… kept her eyes on the prize and made her money.

Now of course, I’m not condoning what she does. I was just inspired by HOW she does it – that “hunter” mentality that people talk about definitely came into play. It was cool to watch.

How this relates to inner game:

1) Know you’re a prize and take nothing personally. Just keep goin’…on to the next one.

2) Not everyone is going to like you. Find the ones who do.

3) Know that the more successful you are, the more ‘failures’ you’ve had/will experience. Don’t be afraid of failure… embrace it.

I don’t know if these are the ‘most important’ aspects of inner game, but they are definitely helpful.

The Lighter Side of Humanity

I learned to read Tarot cards to get in touch with my subconscious mind and for party tricks, etc. I’m not Ms. Cleo, I can’t tell the future, and I’m not into voodoo and weird rituals and shit.

Anyway, Tarot cards have 22 ‘Major Arcana’ cards which detail the story of the Fool’s journey. Card #7 The Chariot, #14 Temperance, and #21 The World (<–which is the last card in the fool’s journey) explain this dark side/light side integration. I’m a visual learner, and find symbolism and numerical patterns intriguing, so even if you’re not into Tarot, this illustrates the use of your dark and light side.

One interesting observation is that these three cards are multiples of 7. Seven is a number used to describe “perfection”, “creation”, “destiny” and all kinds of spiritual stuff.

So anyway here’s a look at the cards:

The Chariot is when you realize that you have these two opposing forces inside of you. One is those baser instincts and the other is reason.

Notice the man in the Chariot… odd that the chariot isn’t moving… but the black and white steeds are there symbolizing the dark and light. This is when you just start to grasp your power.

You can go either way, but you realize that you are in charge of these competing forces.

Temperance is when you start mixing the two. You allow yourself to experience the chaos of the dark side… you begin to formulate your values.

Another name for temperance is “alchemy”. It’s when you begin USING and experimenting with these two sides. And of course, as you’re trying to achieve balance, you sometimes go too far in one direction. You realize is that YOU are the one who decides what you value – not your parents, the church, some ‘president’ – and you can only do that by experiencing ALL parts of yourself… which is hard for some of us who aren’t used to “losing control”.

The World is when you integrate the two. Notice the animals in the World card. The symbolism is incredible. The hawk. Instinct. The Lion. Bravery. The Bull. Aggressive.

And then notice the woman in the top left corner…along with the animals…. your sexuality. All of these things are embraced when you reach the “World”. You can use them when you see fit.

You can only do this when you are an individual defined by your OWN values.